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Fighting, wrestling, combating the voice in my head – “the ego” – the inner demon who holds all my fears and unleashes them at me all day long.

Relentless, he never tires of playing worst case scenarios in my head. My naysayer and fault finder. My pain keeper and wrong reminder. Argument maker, self-centered maniac.

I wish I could kill it or lock it away, but it would never die.

No cage, chain or leather strap could contain or bind it.

Its mouth can never be silenced. To battle it only makes it grow, it feeds off the fear and anger. To love it allows it to get under my skin, only to be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, never to be trusted.

The parasite in our mind, forever apart of who we are. Born of fear, feeds on lies – that torments us from deep inside.

Knowing it exists and calling it out, separates it from us and aggravates it. It wants to melt with us, to be one with us.

I pull it from its dark place, nails scratching against the earth inside my mind as I yank it by its legs. Dragging it out into the light where it is naked and vulnerable.

I wrestle with it, wrap my hands around its neck trying to strangle it. It squirms in my grasp, clinging to me, mocking me. To kill it would probably be the death of myself.

I imagine a large steel cuff around it’s neck, with an iron chain locking it to the wall. I stand just far enough where it can’t reach me. The insane creature flails about, writhing around. Clutching at the cuff around it’s neck reaching to be closer to me.

“What to do with you?” I question myself, “You retched little thing.”

How do we rid ourselves from the EGO?

We can not. We must learn to coexist. Separating ourselves, knowing that it lies.  Excepting its presence, but not offering it tea.

Write back soon, love Annie.

Day 46 of 90 meditating.