So many of us have had our hearts hurt by past lovers, family or friends. We have raised our guards and built our walls to protect ourselves from ever being hurt again.
Little did we realize that by protecting our hearts from being hurt, we have also guarded them from truly feeling love again.
We can not both protect our heart and keep it open to receive at the same time.
We have to trust that in freeing our hearts from their guardians, we allow ourselves to feel love again.
Eyes closed. I scan my body for any pain or resistance. I’m finding less and less these days. The doors to past pain swing open on rusty hinges, with the prisoners they once held no longer inside. One by one I am releasing them from their unnecessary sentences.
It was I who locked them up thinking that if they were behind closed doors they would no longer be in my sight, to bad I never realized that I was locking them in my mind.
Upon closer inspection I notice a small locked door. I walk closer and peer inside the small glass window just at eye level to take a look inside.
There is a girl in there. A fighter, but not out of courage… from fear. Knife in hand, covered in dirt and blood, she lashes out into the air in front of her. She has been beaten before, so she protects her heart with her life. Hair that was once in braids is messed and in knots. Tears streak her face and the pain she feels screams from every essence of her being.
It’s a cold room made out of metal. Sharp objects are all over the room, making it dangerous to enter. Razor blades, nails and knives line the entrance of the room. You could not get near her without getting cut. The objects are images she projects from her mind, protecting and defending her very existence.
I see her pain. I use my imagination too and create a giant magnet that pulls all that is dangerous away. Like a vacuum it pulls it to the back of the room.
With the key in my pocket I unlock the door. As I enter she still holds tight to the knife in her hand slashing the air in front of me. I stand back careful not to get to close and sit in a chair and watch her.
She begins to wail as my presence alone threatens her.
“It’s okay.” I gently insist reaching my hands out towards her.
She cries as the fear burns red-hot in her face. With persistence she shows me how vicious she is. One hand guards her heart, while the other holds the knife out in front of her.
“It’s okay, you are safe.” I feel the warms tears begin to run down my face as I continue to reassure her.
Slowly the fight in her is subsiding as I get closer. I can see the rage in her eyes is turning to fear, then to pain, slowly rolling into a helplessness that is rolling into a “help me” … With each contraction of emotion her pupils widen… I know if only I could get her in my…
At last, I am close enough to grab her. I pull her back close to my chest and we both tumble to the floor. I squeeze her with all that I have in me of love and compassion, wrapping my arms and legs around her.
The knife falls to the floor, not from our struggle but from the release of her finger tips. She coils in and I rock her like a little child in my arms. Her body convulses as she embraces the love that is being given to her. Her sobbing is no longer from pain but from release. Release of that knife, release of these tears, release of the fight… She is so tired and worn from fighting.
I hold her until she relaxes in my arms. Moving forward she rests her head on the crook of her elbow. Her arms fold into a ribbon and she leans her body against the chair I was sitting on. A giant sigh releases from her lips and the color returns to her face. All the fight is gone.
I am left with the image of me braiding her hair as I open my eyes. My book shelf comes into view as I remember I have been sitting on my couch meditating. I stretch my legs from under my body and wipe the dried tears from my cheeks.
Another door swings open on rusty hinges as another prisoner is let go from my past.
As I move forward on my journey to following my heart, each day I am shedding off pieces of my past that no longer serve me. The guardian of my heart was a beautifully brave girl, and I am glad I was able to free her.
Write back soon, love Annie.
Day 17 of 90 meditating.
As I read this, I couldn’t help but think of one of Don Miguel Ruiz’s agreements…Don’t Take Anything Personally. And I believe it’s so true. “When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” I went on a retreat last year about love and forgiveness in upstate NY and it was so eye opening about how we cause ourselves so much unnecessary suffering. A book you may find interesting is, “The 7 Myths about Love…Actually! The Journey from your Head to the Heart of your Soul,” by Mike George. SHINE on Anne! It’s great to hear about your layers peeling away.
I don’t know why all my “i”‘s are missing my words except for shine, lol. I did include them 🙂
I love that. So true Lori! Thank you so much, I will definitely check out that book. Always open to new ideas from books like that. It has truly been eye opening, this whole process of going “IN.” Much love to you!