Follow your heart.

That was the name of my first blog and it’s certainly what I’ve been doing.

As I mentioned in my last blog, I’ve fallen in love again. Now, some of you who know me may be scratching your heads. I mean, I’ve been with my boyfriend Jerry for over two years. Why all this talk of love now?

Because I’ve finally gave up what I was holding on to, my past.

You see, even though I’ve been very much in love with Jerry while we’ve been together, I’ve been guarded. As much as I said I was all in, I’ve always had one hand on the door. Ready to run at the first sign of “danger.”

I’ve been so stuck in my head about love and relationships and what they mean or don’t mean to me, that I was never fully allowing myself to experience the love right in front of me. I was only viewing it through the eyes of my past.

I was jaded. I had been in relationships before and experienced loss of love and I guess I was waiting for the old pattern to repeat itself. In my not wanting to be disappointed, I was literally just watching and waiting for it to happen.

I’m divorced.

That sounds like I’m announcing I have some kind of disease, and I have to admit, there was a time when I’d mutter those words that I felt like I did. If you would have told me that I was going to be divorced one day I would have called you a liar! Me? Never!

Life is funny though, the things you think you would never do, or could happen to you have a way of showing up and humbling you, and now here I am, humbled.

What use to be hopes and dreams for my future turned into disappointments and let downs. Everything I thought was going to be my life was shattered into a thousand little pieces the day I packed my moving truck and looked at my home in my rear view mirror.

Back then I collected what ever bits and pieces were left and I moved on swearing that I would never be so foolish to do such a silly thing as fall in love again. Until finally I am surrendering to the truth that I am right back in love…

 

Now that I’m here, I am reminded how good it feels. How safe it feels. How wonderful it is to love and be loved, all in, with no guards.

It’s freedom.

Freedom from the naysayer in my mind that told me I would never love again. Freedom from the thoughts that, “Love is for fools.” Freedom from the tough girl, “I don’t need anybody I can do it on my own” and I could… but now I am realizing why would I want to?

I’m going to do it again, all of it- and if I end up flat on my face I will stand up, wipe off the dirt and do it again, because love is always worth it.

So that’s where I’ve been. I’ve been spending as much time as possible with Jerry. Our sleep overs have graduated from three a week to five and it doesn’t scare me one bit. We are looking for a home and talking about starting our new life together. All of it feels right and I’m following that feeling.

If I have learned anything these past five months since I left my career, I have learned how to more clearly separate the voice of my heart, from the voice of my head. I am becoming so aware of the ego and it’s job of constantly trying to sabotage my life by pretending it’s protecting me.

I am able to listen to both my heart and my head knowing that it’s just part of the human experience. We all have these inner voices that speak to us but I am just scratching the surface at understanding that they don’t always tell the truth and a lot of the “head noise” is not really the true us.

I thought this journey of following my heart and finding my purpose was going to lead me to a new career, it seems it is currently leading me to love. As usual, you make your plans and then life happens. So this is where I am in my life. My focus is on Jerry and starting a new journey with him.

That’s my purpose right now and I am going to be completely present for it! It is good to go where ever the heart leads you. Curious to see what is next.

Write back soon, love Annie.

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