There are so many sayings that go around like, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” or “Life only gives you what you can handle.” Perhaps you’ve heard, “This too shall pass.” There are many more expressions just like them and we rattle them off at each other in times of struggle.

We all know those things.

We know the old sayings and mostly we even believe in them. It’s how we continue to survive, even the toughest of blows. Yet sometimes, we just don’t want to hear it.

I don’t want to hear it.

Every day since my surgery three weeks ago I have been getting better. I am not 100% but I am 100% better than I was. Physically, I am healing pretty well. I am excited to announce I had my first workout just last night. I believe in just a month’s time from now I will be back to where I was before, physically. Emotionally, well… I have my ups and downs.

Every time in my life that I have been faced with a hardship, it has shaped me. For better or worse, it always leaves an impact on my life, a scar if you will and this time was no different. Except this time, it literally left four scars behind. Now it is a lifetime reminder of what was lost.

I accept what has happened. I mean, how could I not? You can not fight what is so… It happened and now I am left to decide what is next for me. Except, as I ponder this road ahead, I find myself raising my hands to the sky shaking them at god, the universe, this life, who or what I don’t know and I am screaming what do you want from me?!

What do you want from me!?

I have raised the flag. I drop to my knees and  surrender because my plans mean nothing to me. While exposing my palms and baring my neck, I raise my eyes to the sky and cry out, “What do you want from me.” This is not said in defeat but the truth is, I don’t want my will. I just want to do what I came here to do. I want to be who I came here to be.

I am refusing to just exist here, I am going to make an impact here.

You see, I can do anything, anything I set my mind to. I can make plans, goal sheets, dream boards and I will accomplish everything I set out to do… but I don’t want those things anymore. I don’t want things, period and I don’t want to “Be” anything… I just want to help, to BE. To be and do what I came here to do.

Is that so strange?

Sometimes it’s these violent collisions with life that remind us why we are really here. Where things, plans and even unborn children that we hold dear, are ripped from our grasps when life says, “NO.” No… you can not have that; it is not yours… I know you have your “plans” but they are not what is meant to be.

Life always has a way of breaking me to my knees, screaming at me to pay attention.

So I say now, I hear you… I hear you… but what do you want from me?

To be continued…

Write back soon, love Annie

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